Dig it: Imagine this at the Barnes & Noble table of worthless gift books, with my name on it (or the name of the connected asshole who already got an advance for it). Or imagine it arriving unbidden in your email from your Aunt, who sends you all sorts of stuff that was probably culled from greeting cards or Dan Barry columns:

Things They Don’t Tell You About Becoming a Parent

1) There is nothing more indelible than the themes to your kids’ favorite cartoons. You’re doomed.

2) Any parent who can’t handle another parent at the playground disciplining their kids is an asshole. And this is why their kid is an asshole, needing discipline.

3) One kid? Like being single again. Two kids? 24/7, someone’s crying.

4) There is no Raffi, Lori Berkner, etc, in my house, and there never will be. I was never more proud than when my daughter was bored at a Dan Zanes concert.

5) A three-year-old’s theme song is Devo’s “Freedom of Choice.” Ignore this, and they immediately change their theme song to “The Baby Screams” by the Cure.

6) Motrin. Children’s Tylenol is for suckers.

7) Every product a kid uses should be also used by adults. Tired walking? The Adult Stroller. Need hands free while driving but want to drink coffee? Nipple bottle. Cheating spouse? Baby monitor.

8) Eat your child’s leftover food for dinner. It’s good for you.

9) Are they waking up a lot? Getting sick all the time? Move.

10) Preschool is bullshit unless you need it for the daycare feature. I know geniuses who never went to preschool, and some of them aren’t even drug addicts.

11) There is only one sport: golf. Your kid can be any size or gender. They don’t even have to be an athlete. They can drink on the job. If they get really good, they make serious cash into their 70s.

12) Iggy Pop’s body will scare your children deeply.

13) I could think of more, but I haven’t slept past 8 am since 2005.