Bad Poetry + The Tubes = The Hold Steady

Nothing is constant except change.

The roundup:

1) You know why The Hold Steady’s new album sucks, and why they’re not what the Felchfork overhype says what they are? Girls don’t like them.

2) The Decemberists’ The Crane Wife is only slightly better than the Hold Steady’s new one. Meloy writes lyrics and sings, rather than reciting rant poetry. The band is better, too. And yet I fell asleep, like I always do during Amy Tan novels.

3) The new Dears record, Gang of Losers, is only listenable on a great system. Otherwise only about five songs leap high enough to transcend bad speakers. This is disappointing.

4) The new Changes’ record, Today is Tonight, is that one fey pop record you need.

5) The new Clinic is sadly limp. Like watching your parents become slowly, physically debilitated.

6) The Ike Yard reissue is the shzzzt. Harsh, expansive. Creepy. This Heat was their only true contemporaries.

7) Tap Tap’s Lanzafame sounds like nothing in particular, and then everything. Clinic at its best. The young Clinic.

8) Takka Takka is now opening for Clap Your Hands Say Why Don’t You Fuck Off. Enough with the band names like Tap Tap, Takka Takka. Someone name a band Fuck Fuck, please. They all sound like Ewok music, anyway.

9) I’m thinking of starting a band called This Band Has 23 Members Because I’m Too Much of a Pussy to Tell My Untalented Friends That They Can’t Be in My Band.

10) Grizzly Bear’s newish one, Yellow House, is a smart one, picking up on Eno’s longstanding, muted, and usually ignored fascination with 50s doo-wop. It sounds like the haunted ghost of Another Green World, slower and quieter.

11) The new hyped Westerberg song, from the Open Season soundtrack, is quality.

Why, here it is:

Paul Westerberg – Love You in the Fall

12) And while I’m at it, let me place before you another entry in the sweepstakes for who can make the best album inspired by Kate Bush, but not Tori Amos (not really). I’m talking to you, My Brightest Diamond, El Perro Del Mar, and Frida Hyvonen. You’re not doing a bad job, just no one will ever remake something like The Dreaming.

That last sentence is pretty unfair of me. Sorry.

Frida Hyvonen — I Drive My Friend

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34 thoughts on “Bad Poetry + The Tubes = The Hold Steady

  1. Wasn’t it Amy Tan who did that gangbang movie where she did 500 guys? That was her, right?I have a new rating system proposal for you, provided by my new Zelnorm poster. It’s up in my cubicle at work. Zelnorm is a drug for folks with chronic idiopathic constipation. In Latin, nocannus shittitus.The folks at Zelnorm provide a stool type chart, with the following designations, that may also apply to indie rock records:Type 1 – Separate hard lumps, like nutsType 2 – Sausage-like but lumpyType 3 – Like a sausage but with cracks in the surfaceType 4 – Like a sausage or snake, smooth and softType 5 – Soft blobs with clear-cut edgesType 6 – Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stoolType 7 – Watery, no solid piecesI shit you not, they’re serious.

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  2. I left a reply to your gender theory over at my blog… (:<>>I’m thinking of starting a band called This Band Has 23 Members Because I’m Too Much of a Pussy to Tell My Untalented Friends That They Can’t Be in My Band.<>I think we just need to make t-shirts. We’ll make a mint.ps — I bought a copy of The Dreaming on vinyl, but it’s still not time yet. The one night I listened to it, I got kind of … freaked out. But in a good way.

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  3. The Hold Steady is the only band that matters these days. I am glad you hate them so. That means in 5-6 years you can discover them and make blog entries about how they are the best band since the replacements.

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  4. While a difference of opinion is fine on the Hold Stead (Mr. Parnell clearly has his indie props in order), you should not believe the hype when it comes to Hold Steady and girls. Yes, plenty of chicks hate hold steady, but if you go to a hold steady show, it is always half chicks. What is closer to the truth is that a lot of guys (excluding Mr. Parnell) believe that Hold Steady are as good as Television, Replacements, Modern Lovers, etc. This means that a lot of girlfriends are dragged to shows and are stuck listening to the band. So yeah, there is a lot of hate, but go to a show and see the truth unfold.

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  5. I read one chapter of an Amy Tan novel. I did some crazy things for love in 1994. But she didn’t do 500. She was in the one with the Brazilian soccer team. Ethan Hawke was in it too. Then they ate her.Ok, the Hold Steady: Even if I did like them … as good as the Mats, Television, or the Modern Lovers? Insanity. I’ve heard all three records by the HS, and, halfway through the second one, I was done forever. They’re not even as good as Men Without Hats. They’re the new Billy Joel. And mr/ms Anon who implies I might change my mind 5 years from now? I’m too old to mistakenly hate something. The HS are immediately rotten to the core to me. The only artist I ever came back around to, after truly hating, was Bruce Springsteen. All along I knew he was talented, but buffoon fans and all his work 1985 onward ruined him for me completely. Not listening to him for 15 years (and dollar vinyl) allowed me to like Nebraska. The best rock band since the Replacements, anyway, already was Guided By Voices. Maybe Pavement, but they;ll never be forgiven for the radioactive waste known as <>Terror Twilight<> And also: So what I’m hearing is that HS shows are half-filled with guys who’d make shitty boyfriends because they’d drag unwilling girlfriends to shows? Sounds about right. Christ, the last thing I want at a rock show is my wife. Unless she bought the tickets, or asked to go without being asked. Pray to God, young male & female rock geeks, that your non-music-geek significant-O has friends who like to go have nice dinners together while you go see Reo Speedealer for no reason other than no one else is at the Continental that night.Whenever the HS comes on at work, I say out loud: why aren’t we listening to Wire? Or: Why aren’t we listening to Comet Gain? Or Grizzly Bear? Or Ron Artest?And no one argues.

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  6. And let me get this straight: no band is ‘important.’ War is important. Health care is important. Rent is important. Lucien Freud is important. Edward P Jones is important. But the Hold Steady are a dumb rock band, quoting nothing better than Kerouac. And what Capote said about Kerouac’s <>On the Road<> applies to Finn when you compare his writing to that of a real lyricist’s: “that’s not writing, that’s typing.”

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  7. Based on the 1994 timing, you seem to be casting aspersions on Ms. Parnell, which I refuse to believe is possible…Amy Tan is, however, a < HREF="http://www.rockbottomremainders.com/" REL="nofollow">a member<> of perhaps the worst rock band, well, ever.

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  8. I am casting aspersions; that is one of Mrs. Parnell’s most inexcusable moments, in addition to that chapter of Kingsolver I had to suffer. But she also adored Gaitskill, which was good, and I set her further right with some Lorrie Moore.And yeah, that band is just inexplicably awful.

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  9. I envy you Mr. Parnell:You will have the pleasure of “discovering” Hold Steady in your later years after Guided By Voices is sitting next to Superchunk and Polvo in the “what were we thinking” bin. When you do come back to the Hold Steady, start with their first album.As my favorite rock band of all time has said, “Don’t be a rube, buy a tube.”

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  10. But I already started with their first album. It sucks. It reminded me of ‘spoken word,’ not rock and roll. But I listened to it all the way through, because I have sympathy for the less fortunate. And now the HS owes me about an hour of my life back.Maggie Estep + Goo Goo Dolls= The Hold SteadyEven Polvo is better than the HS, but for the record (again) they mostly bored me; and for the rec, again, I find Superchunk worthless beyond their Tossing Seeds singles collection.GBV could make a Hold Steady record in an afternoon. But then they’d have to kill themselves. Bingo Gazingo + The News = the Hold SteadyJonathan Carroll + Quarterflash = HS

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  11. Replacements + Bad Brains + New York Dolls = Hold Steady. And for the record, GBV are about as important to music as minor league cricket.

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  12. <> And for the record, GBV are about as important to music as minor league cricket.<>Jeez, I knew they shouldn’t have taken the analogy section of the SAT…As minor league cricket is to…what?

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  13. GBV wrote music under the assumption that Superchunk were a seminal band. Hold Steady write music under the assumption that everything album should strive to be as good as the Replacements were when the Replacements roamed the Earth like dinosaurs.

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  14. GBV predates Superchunk by loads. Nyah Nyah. Superchunk was influenced by Sebadoh, Kiss, and Motorhead, if the covers on Tossing Seeds are any indication, and then later by Magnetic Fields (an early merge signing, btw) although not enough. And S-chunk is just weak, overall. Although Galaxie 500 makes them look like the Beatles.The Hold Steady is pretentious claptrap. But to mention them and Bad Brains in the same sentence is insanity. There’s no comparison aesthetically. Q: What’s the differnce between the Replacements and the Hold Steady?A: For one thing, The Replacements stayed in Minneapolis, rather than move to Brooklyn and get a stylist. Phony rock and roll. Fuck that shit.Bruce Hornsby + The Romantics=The Hold SteadyKen Nordine + Blackfoot = The Hold SteadyDave Matthews + John Cooper Clarke = the Hold SteadyThe frog from Courageous Cat + the Hooters = the Hold steady

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  15. Hold Steady = Husker Du + Soul Coughing + Bad Brains + Replacements + Chocolate ice cream.Hold Steady, best rock album since that kick ass one from the Rock-A-Teens.

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  16. OMG, anon. Seriously. The only band that was more inconsistent than The Hold Steady was THE ROCK*A*TEENS!!!!!! Your comment explains everything about your opinion(s).And before you tell me I’ll love Boys and Girls in America in five years, I like(d) Lifter Puller, so suck on THAT. Also, I don’t eat ice cream.***<>Jonathan Carroll + Quarterflash = HS<>I haven’t laughed this hard in years. Words, words, words. Stupid guitar bridge. Silly piano break. Words, words, words.

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  17. Hold Steady = the only band that matters“Stupid guitar bridge” – this is rock no roll right? Let me try and wrap my head around this concept – somehow, in the crazy world of indie pop, hotpoint likes Cat Power but hates Hold Steady. That is like digging the new Doors and dissing Uncle Tupelp. That is it, there we go, Hold Steady = Uncle Tupelo level smack. Get with the program boys, it doesn’t have to be Voxtrot to be good. Rock still counts.

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  18. What do Paul Westerberg, Nikki Sudden (before he died naturally) and Robert Pollard all have in common? Their favorite band is Hold Steady. Any questions? Thought not.

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  19. 1st anonny-mous: go read other blogs if you think this is one o’ those Voxtrot loving ones. They haven’t even made an album, not even a halfway decent EP. No love for ’em here. And Hotpoint sorta likes the Hold Steady, but she’s got eloquent reasons, and she may see the light yet.Equating the Hold Steady with Uncle Tupelo would be a little loose with the hyperbole, no? For one thing, UT minted a genre-tributary. And they wrote real songs.Donny Osmond + Jet= The Hold Steady2nd Anonny-mous: Does Robert Pollard have time to listen to other bands while he’s diluting his life’s work with so much material? And: the robot who replaced Westerberg in 1990 would like the HS. As for Sudden, that’s just a lie, and you know it. His favorite band was the Rolling Stones. And they suck too.

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  20. What do J. Mascis, Ira Kaplan, and Ringo Star all have in common? Their favorite band is Hold Steady. Hold Steady = 2 parts Replacements, 1 part Bad Brains, 1 part Minor Threat, 1 part Husker Du, and 1 Part T. Rex. Now that is a band.

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  21. Hold Steady = Sex Pistols + Bad Brains + JZ + House of Love + Zappa + Dinosaur Jr. + SLy and the Family Stone + the Supremes.

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  22. Baiting this Anon has become boring. Sorry if I caused him/her/it to clog your comment thread, JFP. (;But, I really have to say, in defense of myself, you did some REALLY selective reading of my blog, Anon. Seriously. Futhermore, do you even know who Lifter Puller were? (I hate to play the ‘I was there!’ card, but…yeah.) And, uh, I think the band would agree that occasionally Mr. Kubler’s bridges and wanky solos are RIDICULOUS — cf. the end of “Most People Are DJs,” for example.But whatevs, this whole conversation is like batting around a dead mouse at this point. *yawn*

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  23. Zappa captivated hippies? PLEASE. Don’t be such a fool. Listen to “We’re Only in it for the Money.” It is the most anti-hippie album ever created. I do agree 100% about the Hold Steady blowing, but you are far from right about Zappa being a “noodler.” Psh.

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  24. The Hold Steady is perhaps as annoying as Jenny Elisco on Left of Center. The jury’s still not out on which makes me want to shoot myself more… hmmm…a cunty cunt or an incredibly boring bar band? I just can’t decide.

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  25. ^^ nice blog!! ^@^

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