I know a guy named Craig Matthews, haven’t seen him in a while, but he was a damn good artist who always had some sort of band together playing spastic odes to Xanax or some such bizzare-edry; in any case, I heard a year or two ago that he was meaning to start a new band, and I suggested to a mutual friend that he call it the Craig Matthews Band, in the hopes that some completely burnt fratboy hippies would wander into buying his recordings by mistake.

Which got me thinking – I have a slew of friends who could name their bands similarly.

When I was a teenager I worked one summer with a drunk, Dutch (in that order) exchange student named Steve Van Haren – and he could actually play guitar well – and I always thought he ought to start a band with an asian lead singer whose English was accented enough that he/she’d pronounce the band name, which would be Steve’s name, just so …

I also have a couple friends named Jim, who could name their band James. Could James sue? Probably not, right?

Any young woman out there named Tori ought to name their band Y Kant Tori Read. It’s not like Amos would sue. The last thng she wants is anyone remembering her first band.

If the Pope was into music he could start a band called Madonna. I think he owns the word.

I’ll stop now.