Guess What? Your Favorite Albums Suck

Eveyone has a personal canon. How many times have you been told ‘yo, you don’t own that record?’ and then you waste $ on a CD that could be better used (after smashing it) as something sharp to stab the artist who created it? Yeah.

When I’m feeling nice, I’d just say these records were overrated. But I’m not feeling nice today.

Belle and Sebastien – If You’re Feeling Sinister
After the itchy, anxious, and exciting Tigermilk, B&S never make another good album. Unless you like the Charlie Brown theme from Peanuts. Or Marvin Hamlisch.

Galaxie 500 — entire catalogue

Jeff Buckley – Grace
The boy can sing, sure, but that’s easy if your dad was Tim Buckley; maybe two tracks work, a nice but overlong Leonard Cohen cover, and then the rest is made-for-Vh1 yuppie rock wankery.

Portishead – debut, whatever it was called
Trip-hop wasn’t a good thing. Repeat after me: Trip Hop wasn’t a good thing. “Sour Times,” please, and hang it up.

Rolling Stones — Exile on Main Street
A sprawling mess with maybe 6 decent songs, the rest pale in comparison to real country or blues. Ira Louvin, in his heyday, would mop the floor with these poseurs. Yeah, I just called the Rolling Stones poseurs.

Smashing Pumpkins — Siamese Dream
Are you kidding? This was the worst embarrassment to my wallet in the history of my purschasing of music. I liked Gish, the word liked being strong; but man, this was such abject garbage I just knew SP and Corgan etc would never recover to make anything other than equally bombastic, nasally-sung aural syphillis.

Beastie Boys — Check Your Head
I don’t even own this anymore, and I stole it in the first place. A bad punk album, a worse hip hop album.

(Minnie) Pearl Jam – 10
Another album I stole when I was in college, just to verify the hype, and I hated it so much I actually took a risk and returned it. I think they soon went out of business. I hope I helped. –Editor’s note: I’ve always enjoyed knowing that such a serious band got stuck with a euphemism, for sperm, as their name. They deny it, of course.

Pixies – Trompe Le Monde
Be serious. Not a single song, save maybe “Alec Eiffel,” is worth one note on their other albums. This one hit the dumpster with extreme prejudice.

PJ Harvey — To Bring You My Love
An inconsistent mess if there ever was one. The bare tracks sound like demos, and the overblown production on others seems to exist only to mask unifinished songs. I was a big fan when it came out, and still am, but I never listen to this one. Want it?

Flaming Lips — most anything
I don’t think the word overrated does enough injustice to such a waste of a good drummer on meandering songwriting. Some nice ideas, like that thing with the car garages, but I still can’t tell the difference between them and Ween.

Guided By Voices – Alien Lanes
How could anyone bother with anything they made after Bee Thousand? That’s why I got a lobotomy.

REM Out of Time
It’s staggering to know a band can fall so far. I think I played this twice before putting it in the microwave for ten minutes.

That’s all I can hate for now. But this is appropriate:
McLusky – To Hell with Good Intentions