Written by stoplovingeverything

And a thousand bloggers ran to their keyboards.

DISCLAIMER: The Oscars suck moldy cow-udder as a rule. Ok. Read on.

Crash was the biggest batch of horseshit I’ve seen on screen in a long long time. First of all, does no one one recall the insipid Grand Canyon or the better, but flawed City of Hope both failing at the issues-ensemble-drama, a genre in dreadful need of retirement? Did no one stand up and say ‘bullshit!” more than once while watching this movie? A single cop who picks up hitchikers? and isn’t out crusing? Crash reeks of lazy screenwriting:
—damn, guys, we got a loose thread here and a movie to end.
—But didn’t we already stretch it a bit by having Dillon’s cop save his molestation victim?
—Nah, L.A.’s a small town, dingus. let’s have Ryan Phillipe, you know, just by chance …
–Yeah … good idea … he just, you know, goes out for a drive …

The fine line between clever and stupid was never so clearly crossed. Not even the overrated Magnolia was that stupid.

I’m most sorry that so many sharp minds, some I know personally, were snakeoiled by this perfect example of eighth-grade-level screenwriting filled with overacting. Otherwise I wouldn’t care, because Oscar always celebrates mediocrity with few exceptions (Midnight Cowboy). Did Crash director Paul Haggis thank Chuck Norris? Maybe not — now that he’s a Big Winner, he doesn’t mention creating Walker, Texas Ranger back in the day.

And on a night when Robert Altman gets an honorary Oscar.

Horseshit.

25 thoughts on “And a thousand bloggers ran to their keyboards.”

  1. At least it wasn’t <>Brokeback<>, which was a fucking travesty. One of the more calculated and mediocre pieces of short fiction ever, turned into a caluculated and empty film. A picture postcard for gay travel to Wyoming, where soulful staring at empty beer bottles and long shots of Big Sky stand in for inner turmoil and struggle. Oh, yeah, there was mumbling in a non-native accent. Mumbling in a non-native accent must mean it’s good acting, right?<>Good Night and Good Luck<> was easily the best movie in that bunch. And <>Capote<> was pretty damn good too.Feh.

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  2. Haven’t seen AssTapped Mountain yet. Or the others. Everything I liked this year was ignored (Grizzly Man, The Beat My Heart Skipped, Broken Flowers, 40 Year Old Virgin) anyway.I appreciate your hating, though, and expect the same experience when I see SmackedAss Mountain. Bareback Mountain. Smokecrack Mountain. Most of all, any movie set in Dick Cheney’s home state of Wyoming should be a version of his wife Lynne Cheney’s 1981 lesbian western novel “Sisters.” What a missed opportunity.

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  5. If Kirby Puckett had Walker’s guts, he wouldn’t have had a stroke. Lawrence Summers at least had the guts to not be presdident of Harvard when they hired Henry Kissinger. David Lee Roth left Van Halen? Damn. No wonder I’m a Motorhead fan. But it’s rare these days to see a Jewish guy in spandex on MTV, so yeah, I guess things have changed.

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  6. Crash needed a homesexual love scene. Then we could argue about whether it was a gay movie or a movie that included gay people. I wonder if Matt Dillion would have kissed another guy? Or if he would need a stunt kisser.Drugstore Cowboy. Word.

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  7. J Frank Parnell – I think I saw you at a Galaxie 500 concert. You were wearing a shirt that said “I blow my load for Dean Wareham.” And you haven’t seen Brokeback?

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  8. I thought Terrence Howard’s character was gay because he was emasculated, he cried easily, and he wore pastel v-neck sweaters, but that’s sterotyping, and all oppression is linked, so I check myself. I certainly thought we were getting a homosexual love scene when Ryan Phillipe picked up that dude — and we should have, because there’s no explaining why he’d do such a thing, otherwise — but then he shot him. And the scene was too close to the end to bring up Crash Issue #234315.Matt Dillon would kiss a cobra in garters if it would jump-start his career.

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  14. Beatles maybe. The Stones needed to be shot around 1980, and even then, they’re overrated. Without Charlie Watts, they’d be nothing. VU also put out alot of crap; Lou Reed really didn’t need to live past 1975. Smiths? can’t say much negative; they edited themselves well. But Galaxie 500? if writing the same song 500 times is talent, then we ought to add MC Hammer to the list. As for your other comments, please make sure to take those little round pills your shrink helped you buy from the pharmacy.

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  16. Time for the education of j frank. Pete Best was kicked out of the Beatles for being a delicate, precise, jazz drummer. In essence, Pete Best was the Beatles. Charlie Watts – that dude is all blood and guts, no feeling. Charlie Watts was once quoted as saying, “Jazz is worse than liberals – and that’s bad.” Watts is a draft dodger and wanted to, get this, hire Arab drummers to play his parts. At the time, Ted Kennedy believed this was a threat to national security, and tried to drown Watts in his car. But Watts could not be seduced, and lived on. Little known fact, the drums on Exile on Main Street were actually played by Abdul (just one name, like Prince). That lead to the Vietnam War. So in essence, Charlie Watts is the Bin Laden of rock n roll, only, Bin Laden is rumored to be a better drummer. The Guardian UK recently reported, “Say what you will about Bin Laden, but he can play, that much is sure.”Ted Kennedy’s fear of Arab drummers rang true. Abdul just turned up on the Guantanamo detainee list. He will shortly die – the UN has just ruled that feeding prisoners is a violation of their human rights. Sorry Abdul. The BBC claimed that Abdul was not receiving his just human rights, and to prove it, interviewed him and made a profit from the story. The BBC ended its report by noting, “It is also against the Geneva Convention to interview prisoners of war, but we needed to make sure that the Americans, those barbarians, were in fact starving him as is now international law.” j frank, your education will continue.

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  18. Educate me, oh please, educate me, but do please stop masturbating simultaneously. It’s really distasteful. PS: Exile on Main Street is a faux country mess, real cultural carpetbagging; I never understood why the Stones didn’t record in blackface their entire careers, anyway. I mean, that’s where rock music, or at least Hank Williams’s template for the pop song came from: Minstrel shows. PPS: If you find yourself bored watching Bill O’Reilly, check out Derrida; he writes of ‘pure’ forgiveness, meaning that the forgiver purifies the trangressions of another by not even acknowledging them —

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  19. Cultural carpet bagging? Like how the Artic Monkeys are ripping off Bollywood? Yeah, sure you say, you might not hear those microtones, but they are there, trust me, they are there. Pass it along. The Rachel Corrie pancake breakfast has been cancelled. Her family objected to the implications that Ms. Corrie is now a pancake. Perhaps it was the Corrie inspired Denny’s special “Corrie Plate” – three pancakes, bulldozer thin, that annoyed the surviving Corries. Next Passover, the new hit, Corrie matzah, so thin, you can barely see it supporting terrorism. Pass it along, just announced, the Abdul from Exile on Main Street fame pancake breakfast. Only, the UN considers pancakes food, so Abdul can’t actually eat, that would interfere with his UN sanctioned starving. Peace. Who is Bill O’Reilly? Is he a Minstrel show?

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  21. The Associated Press is now reporting:The UN is having second thoughts about starving prisoners of war. An unnamed source in the UN shocked the world today when he stated, “While feeding prisoners is certainly a crime against humanity, especially if the food comes from American companies, starving prisoners may not actually help things either.” When questioned further, the spokesperson said, “There is a rumor that one of the prisoners may actually be 1/16 Palestinian, of Irish, Chinese, and Burmese descent, and the UN strictly enforces a ‘a starve all Arabs except Palestinians policy.’” Asked about the policy, Kofi Annan’s son commented, “This car, and the other three in my garage, and my garage, and my palace, well, uh, both of the palaces, are just rentals.” A second unnamed UN source said simply, “To love a Muslim is to starve a Muslim.” Jimmy Carter was overheard saying, “The international community must and will starve all Muslims equally – I have worked out an agreement with Iran on this matter and Iran can be trusted.”The education continues J Frank – peace be upon him.

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